Has it really been a year?
Last night I finally booked my ticket back to the Philippines and I honestly can’t believe it. After all this time, after everything I have been through while ping-ponging between San Francisco and Vancouver these last few months, I’ve finally set a date for a return flight to the (other) motherland.
To be honest, I probably didn’t have to be away this long. After a couple weeks of necessary bed rest (my doctor in San Francisco, Dr. Zouves, recommended two weeks, but to be safe I made it four) resulting from a small bleed that I had on my 12th week of pregnancy, I was given the go-signal by my IVF doctor in San Francisco and my O.B. in Vancouver to go ahead and book a flight home.
Alas, I’m on my 28th week now and I’m still here, so obviously I didn’t do that 😀 But I know it was the right decision because it’s been a golden time for me. I really, REALLY needed the time and distance to take a couple steps back, reflect, RECOUP and give myself that breathing space – because at some point or another, we ALL need that, and it gets to a point where a weekend away, or even a vacation somewhere far and exotic, is no longer enough to eliminate the noise and all the unnecessary distractions that barrage our daily lives.
This time has been so precious, not that I was doing anything so exciting or so grand, but just because it has allowed me to really (and literally) stop and smell the roses. Something I must’ve stopped doing when I started getting caught up in things that, when I think about it now, all seem so…unimportant.
Instead, it’s been a time for lazy mornings and spectacular sunsets; soulful conversations and quiet reflections. For deepening and strengthening relationships with those that matter the most – and that includes MYSELF.
A friend of mine that I was chatting with a few days ago about my IVF experience told me: “God probably said: ‘this girl is so busy, what will make her pause?'”
And man, all I can say is: when God wants you to pause, YOU’LL PAUSE.
But what an exercise in joy it has been. Even with all the heartache. Even when I was filled with self-doubt. Even when my first IVF procedure FAILED in early December because of an unexpected SEVERE allergic reaction to the adhesive of one of my meds – Even at those lowest of points I knew that everything was, and still is, for my soul’s evolution, and I can only be grateful for the valuable life lessons it has given me.
I realize that not everybody has the opportunity to do what I’ve been able to do – be on a year sabbatical to focus on both a baby journey AND a self-journey – so I really thank God for this gift because that’s exactly what it is and what it continues to be.
Soon I’ll be going home and I’d be lying to you if I said that didn’t make me a little sad. A big chunk of my heart is not ready to leave because I know that this special time in my life will never be repeated. Plus it’s summer – Vancouver’s most glorious time of the year – and her incredible beauty makes it that much more painful to leave.
But as one of my main IVF cheerleaders, Alex Eduque, reminded me:
“Never leave a foot behind, and don’t just jump ahead and put a foot in the future. Instead…
…learn how to dance in the present”