Where do I even begin?
My last post on this blog (read it here) was dated January 22 – my wedding anniversary – and reading it all over again I remember the mix of emotions I was feeling at that time. I was in the midst of preparing for my IVF transfer at the Zouves Clinic in San Francisco, and I was anxious, nervous and scared.
I also felt helpless and completely NOT in control, which was difficult for me. You see, all my life when I wanted something, all I had to do was work for it. It may not always have been easy, but it’s always been that simple. So having to face the challenges of IVF, where nothing is certain, no matter what you do, how hard you try, or how much money you have, has been nothing short of a personal baptism of fire, and one I had to tread alone.
Alone, despite the fact that I was with my loving husband and my family, and despite the fact that I had strong support from good friends who were constantly cheering me on and praying for me. Really, I’m so grateful. Especially to those I didn’t even personally know, who felt compelled to reach out to me and help a stranger, by way of kind words of encouragement, just because they read my story.
Yet even if I had all these people around me, I knew that nobody else could really fathom the depths of my fear and frustration, and nobody else could understand exactly what I was feeling — not even other women going through IVF – because each person’s experience is different.
But as the days got closer to my procedure, I started to feel a great sense of peace, and I think that change in me happened when I decided to write about it and (finally) fully acknowledge what I was going through.
When I decided to open up my heart and put it out there in the public sphere so that my story could inspire others.
When I realized that my painful experience could be transformed into one of beauty and purpose.
At that turning point, my daily prayers changed. I stopped praying for the baby that I thought would make me happy, because I realized I was already happy, and I had so much to be happy about. Instead, I started giving thanks to God for the GIFT OF INFERTILITY – because it changed me and gave me an enlightened perspective on what it really means to live and to love.
So I published my story on January 22. I did my IVF procedure on February 4…and guess what? I found out I was pregnant on February 14, which henceforth, has become the best Valentine’s day of my life — and this despite the fact that I couldn’t order red wine 😉
Now it’s the last day of June, at the cusp of the one year anniversary of our ‘baby journey’, and by God’s grace I’m about to enter my 24th week of pregnancy.
It’s summer once again, just like when I first arrived in July last year, except now so many things are different,
and the days seem much, much brighter ahead.